First Ever Medical Study on Efficacy of Autoimmune Protocol Diet for Inflammatory Bowel Disease

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AIP summer meal at Jessica’s house 2015. Photo taken by Bob Ginn

We all have moments that redefine our life’s course. They are the jarring moments when time and events play out in seconds, but feel like a slow motion movie. Those moments that, when we will look back, cause us to refer to life as “before” and “after” the defining event.

The results of the first medical research study on the efficacy of using the Autoimmune Protocol Diet (AIP) for Inflammatory Bowel Disease were recently released.

After reading the report, I felt like I was watching the highlights fom my 2001 hospitalization. Memories flooded my senses…central line feedings through my heart, horrific abdominal pain, endless bleeding. I saw my family sitting bedside pleading with God for healing. I remembered the fierce pain and how it felt to wonder when I would be able to eat or even sip on water again.

One of my college roommates told me about the Specific Carbohydrate Diet and we began the slow process of healing by integrating diet, lifestyle and western medicine. We dug into faith harder than I knew I had the ability to do, we believed that I would heal.

16 years ago I was repeatedly told that there was no connection between diet and gastrointestinal health. Gluten free and Paleo were not popular back then, Whole 30 was not even a thing. It was not cool to make diet modifications and I was judged harshly for the diet I followed. Few people understood. Even people at popular holistic stores criticized my diet.

It was all profoundly crushing to a 29 year old woman who was trying to turn her world right side up again after it had been so completely undone.

I once had a career in healthcare; specifically I worked in research hospitals. I have a great respect for research. It is critical for many reasons. One being that it gives doctors options for their care plans. Without research to support their medical decisions physicians take on huge risk and liability. Another reason is that research provides a way to chart progress. Healing is slow and very messy; it may follow patterns but it does not follow rules and it is different for everyone. In order to know what works, we need ways to chart progress.

The results of this study were more suggestive of the role of diet in healing than the AIP community anticipated.

The authors of the study cite ““Clinical remission was achieved by week 6 by 11/15 (73%) of study participants, and all 11 maintained clinical remission during the maintenance phase of the study. We did not hypothesize, a priori, that clinical remission would be achieved so early (week 6). Indeed, this proportion of participants with active IBD achieving clinical remission by week 6 rivals that of most drug therapies for IBD . . . (Konijeti, et al. 2017)”

This is a tremendous step for the autoimmune community. It opens doors, starts conversations and while it is a small study it provides data for doctors to consider when making their recommendations. I believe that this study is only the beginning and that we are at a time in medicine where more research will begin to explore the use of a healing diet and lifestyle for managing illness.

The link to the full study is here Efficacy of the Autoimmune Protocol Diet for Inflammatory Bowel Disease


Autoimmune Awareness Month 2017

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Before an MRI – jgb

 

MARCH Is #AutoimmuneAwarenessMonth.
I also turn 45 this March.
This picture was taken before one of the numerous MRI’s I have undergone since my Autoimmune journey began in 2001. I have had so many MRIs & CT scans that I lost count years ago.
I have had 7 Bone Marrow Biopsies/Aspirations, 1 PET Scan and countless other procedures in the cold, sterile parts of hospitals that most people don’t know exist.
For me, Autoimmune Disease means that when I was 28 I got terribly sick and when I was 29 I landed in the hospital for a prolonged period of time with the diagnosis of Profound Crohn’s Disease and C-Diff.
Autoimmune Disease means getting sick and eventually learning that it does not go away: no matter how strictly you live, nor how strong your faith. There is a hiccup in your immune system.
It means that most people have no clue how many steps I go through daily to live what looks like a normal life and that I will always miss the woman I was who lived without these restrictions.
But it also means the small victories become HUGE Celebrations.
It means that you quickly learn who loves you enough to be there for you when you are rather gross (it’s embarrassing to be gross but sickness does that). However it’s temporary and there are people out there who will still love you on the gross days.
Autoimmune disease means finding a way to live your best life even with scary diagnoses.
It has taken me 16 years. I have a history of Crohn’s, Leukemia, Migraines & Immunodeficiency.
There are days that I run fevers, hurt all over and feel trapped.
But those days have become Few.
After 16 years of putting together a jigsaw puzzle including pieces God has given me from: Modern Medicine, Epigenetics, Functional Medicine, Real Foods, and a Healing Lifestyle I am finally thriving again.
If you are just beginning your Autoimmune journey it is hard but I encourage you to knock on all the doors because you will slowly find your healing path.

Happy, Happy Thanksgiving

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Autumn Gold Leaves — JGB

It has been 4 months since my last blog-post.

We celebrate Thanksgiving this week and I am completely healthy.

Two years ago the Hubs and I had just purchased our first house together and I had a leukemia relapse. One year ago I developed a drug-resistant bronchitis/pneumonia which led to a bronchoscopy and a failed IVIG treatment.

Those years blistered with pain and heartache. Each person in our family carried a broken heart. 

This year is different. We are happy, we are healed. We are in a season of goodness and celebration!

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Chris and Jessica Historic Roswell

Last summer I got healthy again and had a very hard time moving forward. I did not know what to do because, what do you do when your life has been thrown so far from center for such a long time? Though it sounds simple, finding yourself and moving forward after life altering crises is actually quite challenging.

In my experience unplugging, taking lots of healing walks, praying, listening to positive podcasts, allowing myself to cry and ask why are necessary steps in moving forward.

When I got sick in 2001 I did not understand any of it. I loved my life prior to illness and I played by the rules. Though I was young and certainly  made immature decisions (aka “mistakes”), I was a compassionate and loving person who had a committed relationship to God. I had worked so hard for a career that was budding in my early 20’s. It made no sense that my world would collapse due to illness.

From the very beginning of my journey I prayed that God would use my story to encourage other people who are hurting. I understood that if my life could turn on a dime so could the lives of millions. I hoped that God would put a purpose to the pain I went through because…well, don’t we all want some purpose to come from the most defining moments of our lives?

15 years later, hurting people are inspired by my story and seek me out for suggestions because they are where I once was. This role brings with it much more weight and humility than I ever imagined it would.

As I type this post I have precious people in my mind who are facing mountains, their world is upside down, their families are hurting. My spirit hurts for them and while I cannot provide perfect words to soothe them I do know that healing happens in baby steps and God is faithful.

3 weeks ago during one of my healing walks, our pup and I came across a bench that took me back to younger years. It looked like a bench I would have spent time at when as a camper or a camp counselor. Then God brought to mind the verse I have clung to through the brilliant and brutal times of my life.

“The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” — Deuteronomy 31:8

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Reflections — JGB

He is always right here with me and during the darkest times He picks me up and holds me extra close.

To those of you who are hurting this Thanksgiving, I pray that you can hold on to the hope that what you are facing today will not last forever. Cling to positive words and find strength in gratitude which has been a healing tool in my life.

You can find most of my writings, recipes and follow along with me as I do my best to live a healing lifestyle at my Instagram account dedicated to The Feel Good Days.

Happy Thanksgiving!


Mourning Has Broken

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Last spring my oncologist predicted that summer would be an easy season for me. While I finalized paperwork from the previous school year I imagined lazy days spent poolside reading novels, kayaking with hubby, cooking yummy meals. I was so excited to get back to writing and blogging.

Yet, before any of the fun could begin I had to come undone. And by undone I mean ugly tears and questions of why.

Over the past 15 years, I have not asked God “why” very many times. But this summer, I sat in puddles of tears and shamelessly cried out for answers.

I have spent 9 of my past 15 years either hospitalized or severely sick with Crohn’s disease or leukemia. That does not include the horrific migraines or striving for mental wellness through these years of adversity.

After an intense 1-1/2 year battle for my health, the first 6 weeks of summer demanded that I heal emotionally.

I took our dog for long walks and slowly found my heartbeat again. I frequently unplugged from social media to still my mind. I limited the amount of news I watched or read because I was too raw to process mass amounts of sadness or fear. I listened to a positive podcast everyday to fill my mind with inspiration and goodness. I talked to confidants and professionals who helped me find a way through the pain, people who could listen without judgment, and gracious they are hard to find but God does supply them.

I have gone through emotional recovery after severe illness multiple times over the past 15 years. You would think I would be a genius at this by now. However, there are some things that I just don’t think we get better at, mourning over loss being one of them.

It hurts horrifically to have illness uproot your life. It is hard to reconcile damages done. I do think the one thing I have gotten better at is recognizing that I am going through stages of healing and that I will come through them but the pain and heartache, the tears remain guttural.

I did not think I would get sick again in my 40’s. The recent leukemia relapse was just as unexpected as the other medical crises that upended my life.

I had hoped my 40’s would be a new decade filled with health.  Relapsing in my early 40’s was such a disappointment. I had hoped for a long stretch of uncomplicated days.

19 months after it all started, I am finally better both physically and emotionally.

A few weeks ago our dog and I were in the kitchen when my husband walked in the door after work. Jackson ran over for a pat on the head and then I hugged hubby tightly. I thanked him for standing with me through the grieving season because it was dark and I know that it required much of him. I told him that the grieving, the mourning, the crying is over.

When we got married 6 years, 10 months ago neither of us anticipated that we would be challenged so early in our marriage. I am incredibly proud of my husband and our marriage. We made it through a fierce storm together. And, by the Grace of God, We are entering a new season.


Healing

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An old Family Photo–We are Currently Healing

When I wrote my last blog post I was crushed in spirit. I received so many kind messages and I have been too worn down to reply to most of them but I want you to know that your prayers and messages carry me. Thank you.

It has been one month since I wrote that post. I can barely remember the days between then and now, though they were long and seemed to stretch eternal.

After the serum sickness, I recoiled and became very small, absent, empty. I grieved in a way that is required of us after life deals too much hurt.

The past 15 years have been harsh, at times brutal. And life has been intense since late November/early December 2014 when my case of leukemia relapsed.

In March my oncologist gave me an IVIG treatment to boost my immune system because it is wiped out from chemotherapy.

When I got the treatment, I was actually in a getting better stage. I had returned to work in January; our dog and I were walking an hour a day. I was joining other women for yoga and even barre workout classes. It seemed like we were finally getting back to life.

I had a wicked reaction to the IVIG called serum sickness which you can read about here. It was a horrific set-back.

I felt like someone pummeled me right when I was coming up for air sending me back under the water, wiped out, weary and having to fight the current again in order to survive.

The physical pain of the serum sickness and chemical meningitis was devastating; the night at the ER which went so wrong left me feeling stripped of dignity.

When my oncologist called me the morning after my ER trip, she explained serum sickness and that I won’t be having IVIG again. I slept feverishly and fitfully for a couple of days; when I woke up her words became clear to me and my heart cracked wide open in sadness.

That time period is now blurry and void of details other than the sting I felt in my heart and the shallow breaths that accompany severe sadness. I remember PBS was running an Anne of Green Gables marathon that Sunday and I watched it, recalling younger years spent with my sister and my college girlfriends during what was an uncomplicated stage of life.

I returned to work and focused on survival. I worked and I slept. I had become severely iron deficient and was scheduled for an iron infusion. The anemia made everything that was already so hard, extremely complicated.

It felt as though I had a blindfold around my eyes and was being shoved through a thorn-filled maze.

It hurt, I was exhausted and I knew that the only way through it was to go through it. I put one foot in front of the other and did not think past the moment.

The Sunday before my iron infusion fatigue draped heavily over me; I simply could not stay awake. It was a sunny day and my husband was working in the yard, I wanted to join him because I longed to spend time with him. I also knew it would be good for me to be in the sun.  He found me in the house with defeat stamped across my face. Tears pooled in my eyes while I told him how badly I wanted to be outside with him.

He chose compassion.

He took my hand and guided me to our bedroom where he wrapped me up in my favorite blanket. He told me to rest, to nap, that I would feel better when I woke up and that he would be right outside.

Tears streamed down my cheeks as I watched him through the window until I fell asleep.

This man, who has never been “sick” who does not understand by experience what it feels like to have your body stop working correctly; this man who is not naturally inclined to extreme patience has been immensely generous and patient and loving towards me. His dreams have also been dashed by my health crisis because it impacts everything from our finances to our ability to socialize to what he has had to witness. He has chosen to love me and to stay committed to me. He breathes words of life into me and treats me gently when he could easily allow resentment to build up toward me. But every day he makes the conscious decision to choose love over resentment. I am amazed. 

When I awoke from my nap that Sunday afternoon, I did not feel better, I felt hopeless. I remember standing in our kitchen wondering if all of my good years are over. Then I shook my head and told myself to “stop”. I reminded myself that God has always provided for me. I literally stood in our kitchen and talked to myself “yes, there have been times when I have been in pain and at times it has been profound, but God has always supplied hospitals and medications for me. There have been horrific moments but there has always been an end to those moments”. “There are places in the world where that type of pain relief and medical rescue does not exist. I am grateful that I live in a place where I have been able to have those rescues”.

I expressed gratitude for my husband and his choice to stay faithful to, and supportive of, me during this time which has seemed ruthless.

In my experience, there are stages that are part of healing and I wish I could skip steps and rush through the painful ones but it does not work that way. We have to go through each stage. It is the only way we heal.

I am not crying or grieving anymore. We are laughing again. I am still working full time and my dog and I are taking our daily, one hour walks. I am stretching it out in yoga.

My heart is not yet light again but we are adding play into our lives now that I am medically stable. I know that the light-heartedness will come in time.

I have been through these stages before; it has just been a while since I had to do it. This is not easy.

I recently heard a song that reminded me of the way that God has been with me over the past 15 years. As hard as they have been, He has peppered them with joyful moments too.

The song is really beautiful. I hope it encourages you too, whatever you may be facing.

 


Breathing Easy

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2 weeks ago, flanked by my husband and father, I went to the Pulmonologist. We had an early morning appointment to get the results from my bronchoscopy.

I was braced to hear hard words from the doctor. I had prepared myself to get a sad report and then muster strength, look for the silver lining and find a way to turn it into good news.

The reason I was in that frame of mind is because that is what Crohn’s Disease, Chronic Migraines and Leukemia have forced me to do for the majority of my adult life.

Looking back over the years, I have been courageous.

Tuesday morning, I was granted a pass. The lung specialist came into our room and did what he probably enjoys doing most: he told me that all 11 biopsies revealed healthy lung tissue. Healthy.

I am writing this blog post early on a Saturday morning. Tears spilled over my cheeks as I typed the word: Healthy.

To be fair, part of the reason for the tears is because I am listening to Adele and it is a confirmed fact that Adele makes people cry.

But Come ON:

…after 15+ years of repeatedly being thrown into hospital beds, excruciating pain, Emergency Rooms, scary diagnoses, frightening procedures…

…after cheering friends’ childbirths while trying to make sense of my childless life riddled by words such as “profoundly ill, hemorrhage, too young for this, blood transfusions, stat, cancer, potential complications, no other options”…

…to hear the word: “Healthy”…

Cue Adele, dammit and let your heart explode!

Cry the kind of tears you cry when All that Was Wrong is Suddenly Right, and it may not make sense, but it Just IS.

I have been breathing easily ever since we left the office of the Pulmonologist 2 weeks ago: off all antibiotics, steroids, inhalers.

It is if as the respiratory complications that crushed me from November-January never  happened.

God still works miracles. Most often they don’t seem to match our timeline and in so many ways they don’t even seem fair in this world where too many people suffer horrifically.

However, occasionally, He pulls back the veil and allows us to witness something truly magnificent which goes without explanation. I thank Him for choosing me this time.


Instagram for Support: Tips for Finding Your Healing Community

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Monday my number of Instagram followers went over 1,000. That made me pause and reflect on where I was when I started this account and where I am today.

I started the account last May. At the time I was recovering from a leukemia relapse, I was on a new diet to help my immune system and my spirit was absolutely crushed. Last year’s relapse coupled with the difficulties I had on my new chemotherapy had beaten me harshly.

Despite an amazing amount of love from my husband, family and some treasured friends, I felt gravely alone.

In order to survive, I knew that I needed to connect with people who understood what I was experiencing and feeling.

Instagram is a social media platform, it is a gathering place online. I understood that I could use the hashtag symbol to find people who use Instagram with similar interests as mine. I also understood that friends on my personal Instagram account would not understand my posts about food and health all day, every day. I would not understand either, had I never gotten so sick.

However, when you live with illnesses such as Crohn’s disease, leukemia and chronic migraines it kind of makes sense that your Instagram posts will include a lot of celebratory moments and strategies that you use to overcome daily hurtles.

By creating a separate account dedicated to my health, I created an environment where I could share those images with people who also really understand the awesomeness that comes from learning how to beat an illness.

I named my health-related account after my blog and began to connect with people who follow healing diets to improve autoimmune conditions, I learned how to cook nutrient-dense meals, I met other cancer survivors with similar stories as mine and I have many other people who battle migraines.

Everyday I learn new tips for staying healthy while living with the chronic conditions. Likewise, I have been able to share lessons that I gleaned from the past two decades.

My Instagram community has made me feel loved and accepted, not judged.

Healing comes through community.

And the courage to fight cruel disease can be sparked by compassionate words such as “me too, I understand, this is what helped me”.

As funny as it sounds, God used Instagram to heal my broken heart. Today I am strong again. I am filled with passion for life and I cherish my Instagram community.

I encourage anyone who struggles with illness to search Instagram for possible support and education. You simply type the name of illness, side effects, special diet, etc. directly after the hashtag symbol. Examples include: #Crohns, #PaleoForCrohns #MigraineWarrior #LeukemiaSurvivor and of course, one of my favorites, #GratititudeAttitude.

#Peace #Love #Heal


Thanksgiving in Real Life #Gratitude

One year ago my husband and I posed for this picture on Thanksgiving day. What the picture does not reveal is that I was sick and my immediate family was very concerned that I was having a relapse of leukemia.

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Chris and Jessica Thanksgiving 2014

I was having chronic infections, nose bleeds and I was absolutely exhausted. Out of our desperate wish for me to be healthy, we attributed my fatigue to the fact that my husband and I had moved into our new home the week prior to Thanksgiving.

Even though none of us said the words aloud, we knew that leukemia had found it’s way back into our lives. And no matter how hard I kicked, no matter how hard I cried, no matter how loudly I screamed there was absolutely nothing I could do about it: my body had grown resistant to Gleevec, the chemotherapy which had kept me in remission from 2008-2014. At the time, it felt like God was deaf to our prayers; our hearts were breaking.

In December my oncologist confirmed our concerns. Thankfully my doctors caught the relapse early however I still had symptoms as the leukemia cells became active again. When I went on my new chemotherapy, I seemed to get sicker before I got better due to serious side effects.

This past year required us to be brave.

I can never ever thank my husband enough for the way he treated me during those dark months.

Movies often romanticize illness, producers soften the gross scenes with music and lighting. However, in real life, there is no lovely music or soft filter to make the awful moments less disgusting. They are cold, frightening and isolating. Last year my husband pampered me when I was so sick that I know many people would have walked away.

This year is very different. 

Just the other day, in unison, my husband and I said “last year was a blur”. It was a blur of fevers, fear, feelings of hopelessness, broken hearts, nose bleeds, bone crushing pain, bone marrow biopsies and aspirations, meetings with bone marrow transplant teams. It was scary and it all happened so quickly.

I am officially back in remission now and we are in the process of finding center again after having our lives thrown so far from the middle-point.

This stage also requires brevity and unconditional love. We are navigating our way through the fall-out that comes with a health crisis.

Before I got sick, I spent almost 2 decades working as a speech pathologist, primarily in the medical setting. I routinely counseled couples and families as they went through the stages of acute injury through the stage where my husband and I are now: finding normal again after devastation…

From a professional viewpoint, I understand that this is a hard stage. However, my professional knowledge does not make this current stage any easier. Simply put, my husband and I are currently wading through uncharted waters together. The medical bills are huge, we are still learning what I can and can’t quite do yet and we are trying to recover from a level of stress that was, frankly, unimaginable.

If you follow me on Instagram, Facebook or Twitter then you know that I routinely use hashtags #GratitudeAttitude or #AttitudeOfGratitude. I use these because it is a fundamental, conscious way that I live. My parents taught me to do it when I was young and it has helped me through life’s hardest times.

As tremendous as this year is with my remission, there are many parts of my life that are uncertain right now. Thus, I found myself counting my blessings with intention when I went to bed on Thanksgiving.

This was my list:

  1. Remission and the return of my health
  2. Family
  3. My husband has loved me unconditionally through this messy year
  4. Shelter–I have a place to sleep
  5. God has a plan for my life

I know that if I am practicing intentional gratitude on a holiday when I have every reason in the world to rest easy then there are other people who feel scared, lonely, sick, overwhelmed.

I encourage you to find 1 thing to be grateful for before you go to bed each night. As you begin to notice the beauty around you, your perspective will change. Gratitude is not a cure-all, however it can and will grant courage, joy and success.

What is on your gratitude list this today?


Peace During Times of Fear

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I learned to find peace through being Present during times when I faced pain, uncertainty and fear due to hospitalizations, Crohn’s disease and leukemia.

This lesson helps me through life’s frightening moments.

Right now high levels of fear and sadness prevail across the world due to recent tragedies and scary news of what may happen next.

I encourage you to remember that as long as there is life, beauty exists.

You may have to search hard to find that beauty but it’s there: in the sky, autumn leaves falling, a favorite song.

In order to find life’s beauty we must be Present in our own lives.

I am not suggesting that we abandon all news but I do recommend taking a break to breathe and find the goodness in your personal space.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

 John 14:27


Remission from Leukemia

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Every fall, when autumn leaves offer warm shades of gold, red and orange, nostalgia drapes over me.

The fall breeze carries memories from shared moments with friends decades ago, as though they happened yesterday. It is with happiness in my heart, not sadness, that I reminisce and feel gratitude that we got to share that moment in time, those days, those belly laughs.

Today has been one of those perfect fall days. Even better it follows a day of wonderful news: yesterday I found out that I am officially in remission from leukemia.

My good news has sunk in slowly and maybe that is the reason that today has felt so completely fabulous, filled with gratitude for all the love that is in my life, and ever has been in my life.

Ironically, the official news of remission has been sitting on my office desk in front of my face for a week. It came in an envelope from the oncologist. The return address on the envelope was, of course, from the hospital. Being that I had a leukemia relapse last year, we get hospital bills by the dozens these days and I just did not feel like opening this one. We typically look over bills during the weekend so I allowed this one to sit on my desk all week.

Yesterday morning I was sipping on some coffee and decided to bite the bullet and open the bill. Instead of a bill, my labs from the oncologist came out with the words “not detected” and the oncologist had drawn a smiley face beside the absence of the leukemia marker 🙂

I stared at the page and tried to make sense of it all:

  1. I put my coffee down
  2. I re-checked the envelope for a bill
  3. No there was no bill, this was merely a lab
  4. I re-read the lab: It was only the report of the Absense of the leukemia marker
  5. The report did read “not detected”
  6. My oncologist did draw a smiley face
  7. I smiled and sat alone in my office and thought about how last year when I got the page that said “detected” it was written in all bold, all capital letters and this time, the letters were not bold, nor capital—-> and I thought that it is a shame because this news is every bit as important
  8. Then I went back to work

Seriously, a bit underwhelming after such a cruel and challenging year of relapse. I think I was just in shock. I felt very happy but I did not call my husband, I did not contact my family, I did not text anyone, I did not post the news. I just sat in silence with my happiness. I never sit with silence (anyone who knows me, or reads this blog, knows that).

But maybe that is where life’s big moments make us act unlike ourselves? Because yesterday’s news, and that moment, was tremendous for me.

I actually did not even mention my remission news to my husband last night when I saw him. The celebration started when I was responding to a friend on an email. She asked how I am doing and I told her, simple as that, it became real. And then I ended the email and I told my husband and he was so happy 🙂

And then this morning I sent a big text to my family and everyone is so happy ❤

And now I am writing the blog post that we all prayed for last year.

And it has almost been a full year.

Last year was unexpected and cruel. At the same time, it was not as cruel as it could have been and I thank God for that. I don’t understand why “bad things happen to good people” and there is that part of me that is now working through survivor’s guilt because there are so many people going through horrific situations right this second.

Last year wrecked me. My 30’s had been a long decade of illness and hospitalizations. My 40’s are new and I did not anticipate a relapse of leukemia at 42. It was not supposed to happen again in my 40’s.

Last year was the 3rd time in the past 14 years that my health has completely crumbled despite my attempts to stay well. And that is a horrible feeling. There is nothing like it, there is no way to describe how it feels to have every “normal” part of life swiped away and it can happen so fast.

When I had leukemia the first time back in 2007, I remember telling my dad “everybody says that thing about how they could walk outside and be hit by a car tomorrow, but they don’t understand what feels like to be so sick that they might actually die”. And I stand by that statement because even now, after being severely ill 3 times in my life, I am starting to forget how fragile all of it felt.

I do know that when I was sick, most of the things that seem important did not matter at all. The things that mattered: Unconditional Love, the ability to be non-judgmental, the ability to be supportive without judgment, the ability to show up, the ability to believe in someone even at their breaking point, the reality that silence hurts more deeply than you can imagine.

I am fiercely proud of the man I married. When we got married 6 years ago, he knew that he was marrying a woman with a history of leukemia and he knew that there was a chance it could relapse. But there is no understanding “potential for relapse” until you are in the middle of it. He loved me through every second and it was ugly, scary, sad, gross. In the movies the producers romanticize illness with music to soften the gross scenes and they show the passage of time in short clips so it is fast; but in real life, there is no romantic music in the background and if anything, the gross moments are so cold and painful that they seem eternal and isolating.

I love him ❤

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I am humbled by the amount of unconditional love and support of my parents give to me and to my husband. I am grateful that God directed our steps to buy a cozy house that is literally around the corner from them a few months before my relapse. My heart is full of love exponential when I think of the meals they brought to us and the prayers they prayed; and for the moments that they showed up here, at our house with strength when they were probably crumbling inside, but they knew I needed to see strength in them. And my heart breaks with love when I think of the many times that they have pleaded with God for their daughter’s life.

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My heart absolutely overflows with love and devotion for my sister and her doe-like eyes. She has always been the one who can sit in silence and listen. I have still-framed memories of us together over the past 14 years during my health battles. Once again, she showed up to listen again with compassion. I also cherish the memory of holding one another’s hands when the nurse drew her blood to find out if she is a match for me should I need a bone marrow transplant (I pray I never do). She is the person I can laugh and cry with, all in one session, the one who totally understands me and loves me. She is my best friend ❤

bone marrow bx 7

p and r 40th birthday party

I am grateful for my brother-in-law, and with that I pause because he lost his sister to cancer and I often feel a sense of survivor’s guilt that she is not still with us. And I recognized that he has had to work through incredible pain at the loss of her; I am amazed that he has never allowed feelings of jealousy or resentment to accidentally be directed toward me because I think that it would be easy to do that. Instead, he has always reached out in love and joined my sister in supporting me. He is the brother I did not have as a child.

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My heart is filled with love and affection (like a huge heart emoji) for my niece and nephew. They both know that they play a tremendous role in my life. They have had to worry about health crises with people they love entirely too much during their youth. It means so much to me that they know how to show up, hold my hand and give me warm hugs. They know how to pray for me and how to love me and how to trust that I will heal. They know that the very best medicine is to make their Aunt laugh, and they do that ❤

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I am filled with love and gratitude for the way that my aunt, uncle, cousins and grandmother stayed in the fight for me with their prayers, text messages and emails. They have loved me unconditionally through the tough moments, and brought us the gift of laughter and resilience.

I am grateful for the special things that the family I married into did to show support and love for me.

I am grateful for friendships that were rekindled after decades and for new friendships that were formed over the past year.

Thank you so much to every single person who read my story, who prayed for me, who thought of me, who reached out to me. I pray that God pours special blessings out to you for what you did to me.

I once wrote a blog post about the word redemption and how illness has given me a new appreciation for the word because God has repeatedly redeemed what seemed like my world falling apart for something more beautiful.

I like to end my blog posts with songs and I think that the song My Redeemer Lives is appropriate for this post. I am so happy to be in remission.

To New Beginnings ❤