Last spring my oncologist predicted that summer would be an easy season for me. While I finalized paperwork from the previous school year I imagined lazy days spent poolside reading novels, kayaking with hubby, cooking yummy meals. I was so excited to get back to writing and blogging.
Yet, before any of the fun could begin I had to come undone. And by undone I mean ugly tears and questions of why.
Over the past 15 years, I have not asked God “why” very many times. But this summer, I sat in puddles of tears and shamelessly cried out for answers.
I have spent 9 of my past 15 years either hospitalized or severely sick with Crohn’s disease or leukemia. That does not include the horrific migraines or striving for mental wellness through these years of adversity.
After an intense 1-1/2 year battle for my health, the first 6 weeks of summer demanded that I heal emotionally.
I took our dog for long walks and slowly found my heartbeat again. I frequently unplugged from social media to still my mind. I limited the amount of news I watched or read because I was too raw to process mass amounts of sadness or fear. I listened to a positive podcast everyday to fill my mind with inspiration and goodness. I talked to confidants and professionals who helped me find a way through the pain, people who could listen without judgment, and gracious they are hard to find but God does supply them.
I have gone through emotional recovery after severe illness multiple times over the past 15 years. You would think I would be a genius at this by now. However, there are some things that I just don’t think we get better at, mourning over loss being one of them.
It hurts horrifically to have illness uproot your life. It is hard to reconcile damages done. I do think the one thing I have gotten better at is recognizing that I am going through stages of healing and that I will come through them but the pain and heartache, the tears remain guttural.
I did not think I would get sick again in my 40’s. The recent leukemia relapse was just as unexpected as the other medical crises that upended my life.
I had hoped my 40’s would be a new decade filled with health. Relapsing in my early 40’s was such a disappointment. I had hoped for a long stretch of uncomplicated days.
19 months after it all started, I am finally better both physically and emotionally.
A few weeks ago our dog and I were in the kitchen when my husband walked in the door after work. Jackson ran over for a pat on the head and then I hugged hubby tightly. I thanked him for standing with me through the grieving season because it was dark and I know that it required much of him. I told him that the grieving, the mourning, the crying is over.
When we got married 6 years, 10 months ago neither of us anticipated that we would be challenged so early in our marriage. I am incredibly proud of my husband and our marriage. We made it through a fierce storm together. And, by the Grace of God, We are entering a new season.