Today has been a hard day. Such a hard day.
I am in tremendous pain. Everything hurts, my bones, my joints but mostly my abdomen. My weight is now in the 90’s and I am struggling to stay awake; I don’t want to sleep.
I want to be alive and I want to be out of this horrible pain. I want to be able to eat and drink. And, there is really nothing that I can do about all of this except to wait, hope and pray that in a couple of months the flare has stopped, the new chemo works, the procedures take care of the other issues.
And while that may sound simple, it is not. Pain makes anything challenging and sleeping this hard (because that is what leukemia does–it makes you sleep so hard) is sad, you don’t want to sleep your life away but you can’t help it.
I spent most of New Year’s Eve day at the hospital for different doctor appointments. During one of my appointments I learned some sad things, new things that were revealed during the abdominal CT scan I had over the weekend trip to the ER. The new developments explain why this chron’s flare has presented differently than they have in the past. There are some female complications that have made the abdominal pain different. And those complications are most often caused by not having babies (which of course I never got to have because of the chemotherapy–the cycle is pretty mean and heartless and and cruel, isn’t it?). So, I have had to make new appointments that I just really don’t want to make but I don’t have much of a choice.
Today has been hard. My husband and I have been trying to pretty it up but it is not pretty. And it is getting worse. I guess, a more accurate way of saying that: I am getting worse. I believe that I will get better but I have got to get through a couple more months.
I am trying very hard to remember the day I looked across the counter-top at my parents house and saw that coaster marked “strength”. That day I knew with certainty that God was offering what I would need. And I need it right now. My husband and I both need it. We need faith, strength and hope.
Earlier today I got out one of my all time favorite movies, Chariots of Fire in attempt to fire up my own sense of inspiration (and that is a very inspirational movie, not to mention the music).
There is a scene where Olympic runner, Eric Liddell, is speaking. He compares faith to running a race. He says,
“I want to compare faith to running a race.
It’s Hard, it requires Concentration of Will, Energy of Soul…
But, who am I, to say ‘believe, have faith’ in the face of life’s realities?
I would like to give you something more permanent. But I can only point the way.
I have no formula for running the Race, Everyone runs in their own way.
So where does the power come from? To see the race to its end? From within”
“Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope (wait) in the Lord WILL renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint.”
When you think of my husband and me these days please pray for faith, strength and hope.