Last night (or actually very early this morning) my husband was having trouble sleeping. Around 1:30 AM, he decided to take some melatonin and around 2:30 AM, I could hear that his soft steady sleep breathing had finally started to kick in. Unfortunately, that was the same time that and I gently shook his chest only to say “Please don’t fall asleep, we need to go to the emergency room”…..
After making a large pot of coffee and trying to shake off the melatonin fog, hubby drove me to the ER at 3:30 where we stayed from ~ 4:00 – 8:00 AM. Which, given my medical history is a flash in the pan (thank God) but it happened and we are both wiped out.
While we were sitting in the waiting room and then during my brief stay I was curled into a tiny little ball due to abdominal pain (thank you chron’s flare). My mind was flooded with memories that have happened in that exact emergency room. I have hundreds of “still framed photo” moments (some of them are really frightening and ugly).
They have all taken place in that exact same ER since 2001, when I turned 29 and I had what the doctors pronounced as a profound onset of chron’s disease. And it was profound. I was in the hospital for the majority of that summer and then off and on for the first few years. Looking back, I was so young. At the time, I felt so scared and alone. My friends were getting married and having babies while the nurses were teaching me how to lamaze breathe just to get through the pain of chron’s (when chron’s flares, it hurts, so badly. the doctors compare cramping pain to childbirth pain).
Sadly, I can’t help but think of the irony; the chron’s pain is not laced at all with any hint of joy that a baby is on it’s way.
So, those first few years were hard. And I honestly thought that was “it”; I thought that I was learning how to live with an autoimmune disease and that it was going to be my “life trial”. I thought that once I got it together, my life would be smooth sailing. I had no idea that leukemia would follow….all of the other things….
I am not sure how it works but when I have my big face to Glory meeting with God, I intend to ask “why”. Who knows, maybe His Glory will be so magnificent that I won’t give a flip, maybe I won’t even remember to ask. But right now, I am here and I still deal with these things so I only know that I want to inquire “why so much?”.
In all honesty, after the first few years of repeated hospitalizations for chron’s, I have done really well and have only had to be hospitalized a couple of times for a flare. One of those times was after my dog Creecy passed and I can’t recall what precipitated the other hospitalization.
What I have learned is that if I catch it early, and put my emotions on coast, if I claim health and modify my diet, if I go on a specific medical treatment the full flare does not occur and I am typically only bed bound for a short period of time.
It is not shocking that my little body finally gave in to the emotional stress this time around: we purchased and moved into new house during the holiday season, I learned that the leukemia has grown resistant to my current chemotherapy, oh and did I mention the holiday season?
I had called my GI doctor a couple of weeks ago when the pain started and they put me on a preventative medication which helped to decrease the flare, but in all honesty, I have barely been able to take sips of water and small bites of food for the past 4 days. My pain level was getting really bad. Which is why I finally called the doctor on call last night. Chron’s complications can be serious and based on my pain levels as well as other symptoms, I knew it was getting near the dangerous point. They needed to do the CT scans, the blood work, the probing here and listening there.
Recently, I have found solace while sitting outside on our screened porch. For the most part, I have unplugged from social media. Hubby and I did get to see family over Christmas however we had to postpone a visit with one group (and I am grateful that they understand my need to recover; I have reached the point that requires a cease in activity to prevent hospitalization. Further pain plus hospitalization is just too much for me/us. I need a break and I appreciate their willingness to push our visit back).
Today I have slept quite a bit. My husband got to watch several of his favorite football teams, which I know is a recharge for him and I am slowly starting to seek center point again.
Tomorrow I will ease back into work. I have several appointments with different doctors at a large hospital in the city this week, which means that I have to get to the hospital (which is exhausting; I am trying to not think about that right now).
Trying to think about one moment at a time.
I am still trusting that this current blip is just a small re-visitation of my previous health conditions, that maybe each needs a tweak on the medication regimen.
I am prayerful that there will be no new diagnoses.
I am prayerful that my husband and I will sleep well tonight so that we can have the #Strength we need to face tomorrow.
Thank you for the prayers and emails that have been coming my/our way. I have yet to open emails and I do plan to start going through one at a time tomorrow. Please know that I cherish each of you for taking the time to send them; I have just not had the strength to open/respond.
The next few months will be challenging; there will be procedures as well as new medications.
I do hang on to the hope that 2015 is a new beginning and yes, it might be starting off a bit rocky but I know that God has worked so many miracles in my life.
He is not limited to days on a calendar. He is not limited to my personal timeline. I am holding onto hope that He still has a plan for my life.
I don’t have a clue of what that plan might be and I am not trying to figure it out right now. I am trying to go one minute at a time.
Trying to find center.
Anyone who has been through a health crisis probably knows that strange, familiar feeling of sadness that is curbed with a bit of comfort while sitting in the same ER.
That may sound so odd when you have not been through it. However, some of my biggest moments have occurred there.
Some of my biggest moments of clinging to God (at what I now see were young years) have taken place in those cold procedure rooms.
Maybe that is why a tiny part of my heart feels His peace even in the midst of the scary/sad, defeat that comes with an ER visit.
The positive of today: I had an Awesome ER physician and nurse. Anyone who has been to an ER, understands that the ER trip does not always guarantee the best care, this morning God made certain I received it.
Off to bed.
I pray for rest.
I pray that my husband and I find center and wake #strong
I end this entry with a humble, grateful prayer to my God, my Christ, for taking care of me this morning and that I am going to be OK. One way or another, I will be OK.
Thank you God, thank you in the holy name of Jesus for taking care of me.
It is Well With My Soul.