I have rested this weekend. And I have cried, at times quite hard.
I have not allowed myself to stay in the sad place for prolonged periods of time but life has taught me that if you need to cry: let yourself cry; stuffing emotions only makes you sicker.
So, tears have been shed this weekend.
I am very tired and incredibly weak. I knew I was losing weight and I finally weighed myself today. I am just barely at 100 pounds. I have lost 10 pounds in 3 weeks. Trust me, I am a typical woman and I am not complaining about losing weight (I love it when skinny jeans slip on easily). But I have been down this road before and I am fully aware that I am not losing weight because I am trying. It is just happening. I am too tired to exercise (and unfortunately I can’t even take advantage of how fabulous those skinny jeans might look right now because I am hanging out, quite lethargically, in comfortable flannel pj’s almost all the time).
I am super dizzy and grabbing walls/counter tops to keep my balance while walking. That is scary because it is not something that happened last time. When I mentioned it to my parents, my dad offered comfort (that honestly makes sense)—he said that between the blood loss and weight loss, anyone would be a tad lightheaded (aren’t parents the best?).
We all really hope to get the bone marrow biopsy completed and results returned as soon as possible. We want to know what exactly has changed and in which direction the change will take me/us.
My husband has created a magical, warm Christmas wonderland in our home and allowed me to rest.
He is an artist. He is one of those people who was born an artist (and everyone in his family is artistic). He can make truly splendid things out of nothing. In regard to galleries and openings, is recognized for his gorgeous oil paintings.
In life, the life I get to share with him, my husband’s talent goes beyond the beautiful paintings. He is able to make everything look really cool.
Seriously, without any time, he can create beauty, which has been a tremendous gift recently.
We purchased and moved into our home the week before Thanksgiving (about a month ago). Between the holidays and my current health battle, unpacking and decorating have not come first on the list of priorities.
Yet that dear man has managed to turn our home into an enchanting, cozy Christmas dreamworld.
Our house has a cathedral ceiling and he put a big tree in the main room which is lit with colorful lights like gumdrops. That tree is near the fireplace which he decorated with lights, garland, tall nutcrackers, our Bluesky gingerbread house and another Bluesky collectible.
The cathedral ceiling extends to the back screened porch which is probably my favorite part of the house. It is extraordinary right now thanks to hubby’s talent. He has the entire porch softly lit in white Christmas lights. He placed a Christmas tree adorned in white lights on the porch. We have a white farm table on the porch that hosts a collection of old glass. Hubby wrapped colorful lights around the old glass and it is absolutely spellbinding.
This weekend he and I have spent a lot of time together, unplugged from social media for the most part. We have enjoyed the main tree and warm fires. We have also cherished time out on the screen porch. It’s been so peaceful. He even found some wonderful chic flick Christmas movies and has (endured) watched them with me.
We are doing that thing that anyone who has gone through a health crisis understands. We are turning inward. Not because we want to push people out, but because we are both overwhelmed and we are doing our very best to figure out how to keep going, how to keep spirits up while being realistic about everything that is happening. We are both grieving a bit and we are also finding the healing which only comes from sharing time with a person who loves you.
We have so many people praying for us right now and we need those prayers because our world is doing that thing–it is turning on a dime.
We have almost made it through the weekend. We are hoping to hear from the scheduling nurse tomorrow…hoping for the next step to come soon. For now, he promised that we could re-watch one of those Christmas chic flicks again (God bless this man).